Sunday, August 28, 2011

Just a thought

As I sat folding my laundry, I realized that today was the day that my father passed away. He was fifty years old. And although I didn't have tons of memories with my dad, I had some. And those I still hold onto. No part of me is angry at him. I know he was a good man. And even though I didn't have the greatest relationship, or the ideal one. I had one and I am grateful that I got to know him at all.
He was the one I looked like, the one I related to in my life. Even when he wasn't there. I still remember his laugh, or how tall and looming he was. Or how he would always get on my case in such a laidback playful manner. He had this smile that made you want to smile. And a contagious energy.
I'll always remember the times when I was a teen and called him up late at night to come pick me up. Some nights I waited for awhile, but he usually showed. And we would go get pizza together.
He was proud of me when we reconnected when I was older. He came to my graduation. He got his friend to make me my favorite dessert. (Cherry Cheesecake)
My cousin always shouted when I was over there- "Hey Stan Jr!" because I looked so much like him.
Its funny to me how someone passes and they always stay on your mind. I think about him all the time. All the what ifs, the things that I wished could have happened but didnt. But, the one thing I am grateful for is the time we had together. I am sure I will always have unanswered questions. And always regret a lot, but at least I knew him.
I still remember the day I found out he had died. My mom scared the crap out of me. I thought it had something to do with my husband. And that reminds me of the week before. I had just had my son three months earlier, and I told my mom that I was going to write him a letter. Write him and tell him about his first grandson. And send him pictures of all three of my kids. These were his first grandkids. I was eight hours away from home. So writing was the only thing I could do at the time. But life happened and I didn't write that letter. So three months after having my son, my husband was coming home from deployment in Iraq. He was maybe a day away. And that's when I received the news-- via my mom. That my dad had passed away. It was hard to process there would never be a chance again to talk to him. And the one thing I know now, don't take people in your life for granted. Because they could be gone really soon. Sooner then you expect!
I hope he is happy. I wish I could have been there for him at the end, because I would have. I was told he died of lung cancer, and I wish I could have been there with him on his last days. Thats my only wish.
If things are like they say maybe he sees me and his grandkids. But no one knows that for certain.
I just thought I would talk about my dad, its a really good way to let out the stress of his passing. Because ever since that day a little part of me has remained sad. And its good to let out your feelings. Its good to remember those we lost.

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